Faith, Miracles Happen, Uncategorized

Lent 2018, what I learned from fasting from posting to social media and our second vehicle…

I’d like to say that I waited so long to share my experience from Lent this year was due to self reflection and waiting on the Lord…But that would be a lie! I have no amazingness to share with you except that it did bear fruit.

I gave up posting to social media kinda on a whim. I had just been pondering my need to post and wondered if I would have withdrawal from posting, I mean did I need to really share/over share so much about our life????!!! Big fat NOPE, my posting was not meaningful, and it was certainly not for the purpose of why I have a Facebook. I chose to buy-in with this platform is to connect with people in life I cared about, this is my why. What I make for dinner and ever random thought is not hidden in the agenda, it was obviously becoming a flesh=issue for me personally. So for 40 days I refrained (for the most part.) I don’t count the prayer request about our bank information being stolen (the enemy was throwing punches left and right) or the final respect to one of my most favorite evangelists, Billy Graham, totally understandable!

Life lesson: Life will go on without social media. Not documenting play-by play for people is totally good for the soul and for time! My friend’s still remember me despite the lack of me popping up on their feed!

So since Easter I have paused to think about what my purpose in sharing is, will it be a memory I want to revisit the years to come?

Would I roll my eyes at it’s context if it weren’t mine?

Am I self-seeking?

So basically I post 90% less! Shameful!

Coincidently during this time our van “Big Blue” also received it’s last $40 oil change before the attendant let me know just.how.dangerous it was to drive. Apparently we were a 1-0 on a scale of 1-10. The blessing is it was brought to my attention before making my trip to Houston alone with the kids! Thank you Jesus!

Here is the bigger growth, I felt content in the very inconvenient circumstance of a 6 person family with a 5 seater vehicle. Was it easy? Big Fat Nope! But did I throw a tantrum, lash out from frustration, or covet my neighbor…No I really didn’t, not to boast of myself. Really these are all things I am guilty of pre-accident. Unfortunately, there was a time I would believe the lie that maybe my marriage was the reason for our financial woes. We weren’t doing it right! Lie! I knew God would provide, I did not know when but we chose to be grateful for preventing another accident with the van, we chose to work together and up our communication, and most importantly we prayed for God to work things out at some point!!!!

ANd he did! On Good Friday we were able to bring “a new to us” van home. Blessed does not adequately describe gratitude!

So on to the next test, the following week myself along with many other teachers learned our school is closing. As much as I wish none of us were facing this time of uncertainty, I also know God is faithful! I will enter into the season of job hunting with eyes wide open seeking out God’s will, direction, and most importantly HIS peace!

Whatever we face we will do it together and trusting the outcome!

So cheers to a fruitful Lent 2018! What did you fast from?redeemed

Accidental Casualty Survivor, Struggles are Real

Hello my name is Jennifer, a wife, mom to 4, teacher, and an accidental killer…

Woah ya that’s a loaded title. I don’t type it easily, or with pride, but slowly I am also sharing it with a little less shame/guilt, or self -hate. I share to find others, I share to show as my friend and fellow CADI terms, the flip side of a very painful road!

I always loved a great tragedian play, never guessed I would live one. My 2016/2017 in lyric would have been the saddest country song ever sung.

I was involved and responsible for a life-altering, world shattering accident that claimed a man’s life. I joined a club of accidental killers. I actually feel like throwing up each time I type that. I/we prefer the term CADI (Causing Accidental Death or Injury) or ACS (Accidental Casualty Survivor).

Most people do not think of us unless slinging hatred and judgment. Unfortunately, I am guilty of that. I once and I quote said, “If this ever happens to me I would pursue that person to the full extent of the law!” This statement was me talking a bunch of hot judgmental air that really breaks my heart now. I was talking with my mom after we had learned of someone who tragically and unexpectedly lost their husband in a car accident and she was now widowed and raising 4 children alone. The other driver survived and is a CADI. Little did I know that one day I would be on the other end, bringing the worst pain to another family.

How could I ask for or expect grace?

rangergame

I share because maybe someone is struggling to forgive a CADI for an accident that claimed a loved one, I hope my openness helps in some way.

I share because my story may help other CADI/ACS feel less alone.

I share because I now am on a healing journey from anxiety,  panic, and depression.

I share because I was broken, still broken, and plan to make my broken beautiful by not giving up!

This story is in lots of pieces that I will share little by little.

In May of 2017 I stumbled upon a post looking for CADIs to share their stories with a nationally published journalist, I thought here is my chance to share my heart. Maybe just maybe people can see we are not monsters. Alice Gregory other than my therapist heard more details of my accident than my own husband. I was very lerie of sharing at first, I wanted to know her intentions. She just had a thought, she wanted to know the flip side…what happens to people who cause the death of another. She was incredibly easy to talk to, I can not imagine taking in all of our stories in raw form. Beyond words of gratitude!

Her bravery to explore a taboo and sensitive subject opened discussion. Most people feel that by defending or lending compassion to me (CADIs) that they suddenly become insensitive to the real people that lost in the situation, the families of the deceased.

It is true! They lose in ways I cannot fathom. Asking for their forgiveness, seems very selfish. How to ask for such a thing, yet this request is behind many of my thoughts and prayers.

What the public does not know is the grief, trauma, PTSD, anxiety, shame, suicidal ideation, and nightmare cocktail that a CADI/ACS will suddenly and abruptly swim/ drown in.

You can read the article here.

Thank you Alice, for giving us a voice! I feel especially grateful because through that interview I have now joined a community. I have formed some friendships that are bonded in tragedy.

No, I will never “get over it” even time will not heal this,it is unlike situations you can relate to.

Yes, I accept that I am not the one who lost a life, I still grieve something. I hope the mental health community will eventually research and study us.

Most importantly God is faithful and I owe everything to my Savior! I may have not survived without my faith!

Miracles happen! I hope to share them with you!

FullSizeRenderkids and I

 

 

Catch all drawer (random)

My why

Content shmontent…starting a blog is hard!
I mean there is the technical stuff that I hope to get better at but there is the emotional stuff too.

You suddenly care about the content. Despite that when I dreamed of blogging before pulling the trigger, of course I second guess everything!Suddenly you feel a little self-conscience about what you share topic, title, pic, and even words I pick… It’s a nightmare for people who suffer with the following:
Anxiety ✅
People pleasing 🙋🏼‍♀️
Technologically challenged 🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️

What was I thinking? So when brainstorming on areas to share that I haven’t already openly told the world…I wrote down fitness, and stories about the kids, books I have read but I realized I need to be authentic in this blog if I want to heal.
My “why”

I would like to say it’s because I have brilliant stories and ideas to share…
The truth is I have lost myself along the way.
Pieces of me, scattered. Pieces of my heart, shattered.
Over and over they come back together different, still broken, but in time I saw the trial as beautiful.

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Example, of a more recent lesson in faith was finding a grape size tumor behind her right eye. We’re still healing from this one, the journey is fresh, but God is good!

So this blog is a challenge to do something new therefore grow.
This blog is about reflection and GRIT which leads to empowerment!
My stories and “niche” are scattered! Literally my mind is often splintered and this safe place will hold them all…
🙌🏻
God bless the blogging world! 🤯
Pieces of me I am working on first:
Health- I plan to post my health journey. I have gained weight, it’s dangerous around my midsection. The struggle is real!
Mind- I want to be less scattered mentally. Anxiety is a battle I am currently off my medicine. I am exploring other homeopathic options. (Personal preference)
Heart- In the last year my heart has been through more than anyone should have in a lifetime let alone within a year. My heart was pounded and pounded with blow after blow from all directions…
But God
I owe it all to God, the fact that I am put back together amazes me!!!
Some things get left out in the picture of me.
I mourn the things of me I can’t have back similar to losing your innocence.
But things I am grateful for like the fact I did not or at least not yet pick up worrying over trivial things. 🙌🏻

What are your broken pieces?
Know that if your world broke apart you will put some things back together Tetris-style and somethings you will need to let lay to the side.
It hurts.
But God
I owe it all the fact that I am put back together amazes me!!!
Some things get left out in the picture of me.
I mourn the things of me I can’t have back like losing your innocence.
But things I am grateful for like the fact I did not or at least not yet pick up worrying over trivial things.
What are your broken pieces?
Know that if your world broke a part you will put some things back together Tetris-style and somethings you will need to let lay to the side.
It hurts.
Have courage because it’s also beautiful!
Matthew 10:39
39 Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.
Matthew 16:24
24Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone wants to follow me, he must deny himself, pick up his cross, and follow me continuously. 25Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it, 26because what profit will a person have if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life? Or what can a person give in exchange for his life?

I am so so grateful! These scriptures are everything #truth life-giving truth!
I have lost my life, and through it I have gained life! ❤️

My why is to share hope, speak life into desperate situations and anyone with an ear to hear! I’ve got some crazy stories!
Things I can’t make up, like WILD y’all!
If you connect with any or all of these ramblings on the page connect with me, I love good stories of people!

XOXO