Confession: I had my babies naturally sans “drugs” but hold off on my badge of honor…
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” ~Mark Twain
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” ~Nelson Mandela
I was just a baby (barely 22) when I had my first born, he was due on our first wedding anniversary. From the moment we found out we were pregnant we were shocked and terrified. Who knew that antibiotics can lower your potency of birth control, either way we wouldn’t change a thing!
A few months in and I realized I really was going to have a baby, and fear reality sunk in. I have a confession that I am ridiculously afraid of needles. I sweat profusely, palms, pits and my heart starts beating like I am fighting for my life. I have fainted, my mother tells me that once when I was 9ish I fought off several nurses and they had to restrain me. I imagined that the need le broke off in my cheek area (pretty sure I imagined that). So when doctors need to draw my blood and I realized an epidural meant a needle where I could not see and in my spine…
I opted for natural birth.
Fear was my motivation, not courage.
I started reading all I could about natural birth, I read books, and talked with the women older than me that did not have a choice. I talked with my doctor who smiled and nodded who I believe thought “sure you want natural birth.”
At 30 weeks my placenta began to tear from the uterine wall and I was hemorrhaging. We were newlyweds, having our first baby and emergency delivery would mean I had no choice. (side note: this is how crazy scared of needles I am, the ER nurse tried to start an IV and I asked her to pray with me, ridiculous, I was bleeding out) Chris held my hand and looked in my eyes, he could see things that my belly and sweet baby were protecting me from seeing. The look in his eyes I will never forget and treasure. The doctors stopped all the bleeding, but I was on pelvic (no sex) and bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy.
I followed through and had my natural delivery at 37 weeks. 12 hours of prayer and meditation and we welcomed our first child a strawberry-blonde healthy boy. Maybe someday I will write a post about what helped me through labor if anyone shares my fear of needles or wants that “badge” of personal choice. *Disclaimer-all births are beautiful, and all mothers are amazing*
What was founded on fear became a beautiful experience. Here is the lesson and purpose of this post. It isn’t about labor at all, or my gross image I generously shared about my early labor (sorry); I want to pass on that fear as a motivator can produce unexpected blessing when we overcome those fears. Over and over I fight the things that scare the you-know-what out of me.
Example 1) Driving the road of my accident to see what David saw from his perspective, I could not be afraid of a street/place. I mean I was terrified, shook the whole time but I won’t let it win victory in my mind!
Example 2) Sharing my accident and transparency of PTSD, anxiety, overcoming suicidal ideation. JUDGEMENT I am a people pleaser, I don’t want people to know just how crazy I am. I am in education, I am of sound mind and love what I do, but I have private struggles with anxiety. It shouldn’t change how people view me but it will and I have made peace with that. I will take the punches and throws of cruel and blunt opinions of my story if it helps one person to not lose hope!
“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you.” I want you just to imagine yourself as a small child and Jesus takes your right hand and you wrap around his pinky. He loves us like a father loves his children.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” This verse! God says talk to him, talk about what is heavy, what makes you anxious, what fears are there. Often when we talk them out we answer our own questions, we find solutions, we realize we made a mountain out of a mole-hill! What is a mole-hill?
In case you are wondering it became my method of choice after that and no longer driven by fear. Four babies each delivery unique and I have zero regrets. Each of them also have a miracle-story.