Faith, Miracles Happen

After my accident I wasn’t just in a low place, I was living a hell inside my head but a miracle happened!

I did not let the enemy win my faith, my marriage, my joy, my future…there were/are days he got the upper hand by taking my peace but not without a fight! This is the hard cold reality and one of the strongest reasons I share, most people like me succumb to the depression.
I won’t even spell it out for you but there are tons of statistics.
I now have PTSD. I don’t look like the face of PTSD and the anxiety is already getting more manageable. 🙏🏻 Loud noises (especially the sound of a throaty Harley) startle me in a rush of adrenaline that eventually causes heart palpitations and a headache. I hate that I don’t have control over this!  ❤️ There are accidents involving fatality everyday yet I felt completely alone and hopeless…
Before my accident I had many thoughts and opinions over mental health and how selfish suicide is, even thinking about ending one’s life is selfish, it was the wrong word. The word is hopeless.
I held on to hope when I could not see or feel anything. My faith and the prayers of those who love me were just enough and I am so grateful! Forever grateful!
Something I did that was a miracle one very low day is I looked up all the promises of God. I had to hold my thoughts accountable! I got out a sheet of paper and divided it down the center (hotdog style for my teachers out there 😌)
God is TRUTH| The enemy LIE
God is love
God wants to forgive me
God has answered other prayers
God is answering current prayers
God blessed me with family
God provides the perfect songs when I need them
God is bigger than all things
With tears I wrote the list and on the other side…
The enemy steals, kills and destroys
he lies, deceives
he wants me to stay sad and rob my joy
he wants to destroy the future of my children
So from that day forward I kept that notebook with me if I was out of the house and when I went back in. I would refer to it when a thought came and it was categorized.
I did recognize I would need help so I did make an appointment with a licensed counselor that specializes in PTSD.
I rested in the promises of God! I took captive my thoughts and I still battle them!
Thank you for letting me outlet here what has been a crock pot of emotions in my head. If you are struggling with the negative talk, or influenced by lies it is time to take captive the thoughts and words you speak and believe. Put some emotions in a clear box and recognize them but don’t play with them. Instead label those things healthy/unhealthy and begin to replace the unhealthy thoughts/actions.
Today I still struggle as different situations pop up, new layers of dealing with a new reality. In just a couple days it will be 18 months since my accident that claimed a life of an innocent person. I still think about this person and his family everyday, sometimes many times a day. The difference from a year and half ago is I have HOPE restored, I am so grateful for things in life that are eternal and lasting! My worldview has forever changed, my lens is focused on helping others while helping myself. I will never lie and say it’s all roses or easy but I also will not entertain guilt that I am branded or shamed or selfish to celebrate healing! Sensitive, yes! Guilty, NO!
You may not be able to relate to my particular situation ( I pray not) but the road to healing means searching the broken pieces and acknowledging them without entertaining them.
Maybe you are not a believer, but you want healing. The short reality is this is the only truth I know personally. That does not mean you (non-believer) are without hope. Make you list of thoughts and ask verbally and internally for your eyes to see and your very being to guide you to your truth! If you ever would like prayer please message me!
Claim that miracle!
Be accountable to your thoughts and actions!
Make a plain list, don’t just set a goal but a plan on how to get there!
XOXO 😘
2 Corinthians 10:5-6 The Message (MSG). 3-6 The world is unprincipled. It’s dog- eat-dog out there! The world doesn’t fight fair. But we don’t live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren’t for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 New International Version (NIV)

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Catch all drawer (random), Faith

Do you have an enemy?

Dun dun duuuun. No really the word enemy is rarely used because it has this dramatic connotation. I am a normal gal I lean on the make love/friends, peace/ not war mentality as I believe most human beings do. We all have been wronged at some point and we have all wronged someone else even if unintentionally.

 

What if wronging others or being wronged was apart of our story on purpose, with purpose???

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I can’t answer that. I do want to break this down into some smaller bite size pieces as I sort through my own thinking and you guys are welcome for the ride through my thoughts! You are welcome! I will likely owe you a glass of wine or piece of chocolate when we are done!

Yesterday I prayed for an enemy, I mean someone I felt wronged/mistreated by. And when I describe wronged I mean they hurt the people I love most in the world in a roundabout way, not directly, well sorta they did, anyway! I prayed for them in their time of need and I prayed fervently until my nose burned and my eyes stung. I don’t get an award for that, but I sure did feel relief. Because it bugged me, the spirit festered knowing what I should do, what I needed to release. We all need prayer, especially those hard to pray for or with, they need it most, we all need it most!

#truth1 I want forgiveness, therefore I offer forgiveness

#therealtruthOne I believe the Bible and it’s Holy Words in entirety, therefore I look to be like Jesus, one who forgives ALL things (man that is hard to really picture) and release that energy of hatred, frustration, hurt, pain, all to God alone.

Does not make it right!

Let me say it again, it does not make it RIGHT!

What happened to my family through the decisions of this person were 100% wrong in the manner it was handled, yes I will go to the grave with that opinion.

But God. But God worked it out for our good. If it wasn’t so snotty I should write them a thank you note, so I won’t because I don’t wish to be snotty. God allowed a door to close for another to open, it’s that simple.

I release acceptance, grace, and understanding for the people who have “wronged” me in my lifetime.

Likewise, I pray with all my heart I am forgiven. Like the guy in Elementary school that  I stood as bystander and watched a girl make fun of his lips, I knew it was wrong, but I said nothing. Nowadays we would define what she did daily to this young man as bullying. This breaks my heart! That stuck with me until highschool and junior year I had a random class with him. I saw an empty desk next to his one day so I nonchalantly slide my backpack down in my cheer uniform like it was normal and looked over.

“Hi Bryan, you might not remember me from elementary school but …”

“I remember you,” he said quietly, yet still in a way he still immediately was reminded of  the chanting and belittling.

“I am so sorry for what we did back then, I hope you can forgive me!”

God is in those little things, and he is in the big things like when I asked a man to forgive me for pulling out in front of him, an accident that took his life.

These situations can not be humanly compared, one is a pebble splashed in a young man’s pond of childhood, the other a monsoon of permanent consequences for an entire family.

I have responsibility and ownership of both.

Therefore, I forgive grievances and not just because I want a shiny prize on earth or in heaven but because I desperately would long for forgiveness for those moments I fall short.

*If the spirit moves you (that little nudge inside) it does not matter what time and space has passed, if you need to own something and say sorry, do it! Big Courage means, bigger freedom!

Here are the scripture that God graciously surrounded me with while I struggled to pray for my sister-in Christ. (shameful, really I am sorry I struggled)

But seriously I received two email notifications with subject line: Forgiveness, and a bunch of other fun little hints everywhere I turned!

So dig deep and ask God to show you areas where you have not truly forgiven.

Bonus fact: I sucks your energy staying angry and bitter, and it also gives you terrible wrinkles so let it GO!

Matthew 5:44

“I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those that persecute you.”

1 Peter 3:9

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult.On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

Romans 12:20

“On the contrary, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Lord,

This is hard sometimes. There are people who have betrayed us, there are people who are selfish and have hurt us. We can not forgive on our own, each time I try it’s like I pick back up the anger when convenient. The heart of this is trust and pride. I need to release control and trust you have made a way through this person’s actions. Help me to see this person as you see them. Help me to have compassion for those that remain in their own sin that hurts others. Protect me, guard my heart, and make is tender so that I do not carry on a cycle of unforgiveness.

Amen and amenbible1

 

 

 

marriage, Struggles are Real

We still do…

Oh my word this man!!!!

This. Man! He may look like he is grabbing my boobs (And He definitely is!) but he has my heart! (teenagers were mortified by their daddy’s hand placement, ha!)

We are a special kind of crazy-in love! ️

Lesson # 728493 on why I love my husband! 16 years of bumps, bruises, and all out brawls, but we still do…

He is a coach, I am a coach’s wife (if you are one, then you know)

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Our life is juggled by the seasons, literally (what sport is in season?!! and there we will be) and spiritually!

There was a time I thought he loved video games more than me.

Loved sports more than me.

Players/athletes more than us…

It took years to see the unhealthy thinking!

 

Truth is he is a talented coach and it is his ministry. Supporting him in his passion is incredibly important to his confidence as a man and leader of our home! It took a series of events for me to see. As much as I hated to share him with the players, parents, officials, other coaches, and ________, I also knew I was/and still am his biggest fan!

 

We rode the bus, traveled with the team, with a baby on my hip, one in the stroller and one clinging to my shirt… it was rough but I learned I would rather be there than wondering what the score was. Before he started coaching we were in youth ministry and we worked for a children’s home. (Oh the stories of our 4 years there!) God was blending his youth ministry calling with love of all things athletic.

*side note when we were dating and falling in love Chris would volunteer coach tennis with my dad (who was a  HS tennis coach at my alma mater)

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I had 3 children under the age of 5 and I felt what I would describe as my love-tank was on empty. I was running on fumes in the love area. This was before the “cake” illustration but God was working on us both. Chris was asked to help coach football and run the weight room. This was in addition to our house-parent duties. He loved it! He came alive and spoke into the lives of these young men. However, there is sacrifice with a dedicated coach…I felt alone.

So in an attempt to help him see what he was missing I made a plan.

 

-God has a sense of humor!

 

Secretly I packed bags for the kids and I made a plan to leave while he was at practice “teach him a lesson” I was only going to visit his family 3 hrs away with a note on the counter… (drama)

The jokes on me because I learned the lesson.

I told God, “Ok Lord when he leaves today for practice we are leaving!”

3:00 rolled around and he had made plans for another coach to cover for him and we went to the park.

Mind you no one, Not a Soul knew my “plan” but God!!!

We had a great time as a family, I even made a few snarky remarks about practice and he didn’t take the bait but said he wanted to spend time with us.

So the next day I said, “Ok Lord today when he goes down to practice, we are leaving and all he will have is that letter telling him that we need to be a priority!”

 

And then 3:00 rolled around and our time into Ft. Worth “town” had run long and we were not back in time for practice.

I just started laughing watching the clock and he reached over and grabbed my hand as we drove back.

I was convicted! God showed me the plan he has trumps my plans!

I am so very grateful for the Lord in this lesson!

After about 2 weeks I pulled the bags out from under the bed (secret spot 🤣) and confessed to Chris my big selfish plans.

We both cried.

We made a few compromises, hashed a few things out and most importantly grew deeper in love!

 

Be mindful of a few things…things I’ve learned the hard way…

Pray for his passions!

Pray for his direction!

Let God fill your cup!

Be careful what you TELL God! The joke will always be on you!

Be mindful of the spirit trying to intervene when we are veering away from God’s will!

Laugh *Love* Learn* Lean on each other!

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Catch all drawer (random)

My why

Content shmontent…starting a blog is hard!
I mean there is the technical stuff that I hope to get better at but there is the emotional stuff too.

You suddenly care about the content. Despite that when I dreamed of blogging before pulling the trigger, of course I second guess everything!Suddenly you feel a little self-conscience about what you share topic, title, pic, and even words I pick… It’s a nightmare for people who suffer with the following:
Anxiety ✅
People pleasing 🙋🏼‍♀️
Technologically challenged 🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️

What was I thinking? So when brainstorming on areas to share that I haven’t already openly told the world…I wrote down fitness, and stories about the kids, books I have read but I realized I need to be authentic in this blog if I want to heal.
My “why”

I would like to say it’s because I have brilliant stories and ideas to share…
The truth is I have lost myself along the way.
Pieces of me, scattered. Pieces of my heart, shattered.
Over and over they come back together different, still broken, but in time I saw the trial as beautiful.

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Example, of a more recent lesson in faith was finding a grape size tumor behind her right eye. We’re still healing from this one, the journey is fresh, but God is good!

So this blog is a challenge to do something new therefore grow.
This blog is about reflection and GRIT which leads to empowerment!
My stories and “niche” are scattered! Literally my mind is often splintered and this safe place will hold them all…
🙌🏻
God bless the blogging world! 🤯
Pieces of me I am working on first:
Health- I plan to post my health journey. I have gained weight, it’s dangerous around my midsection. The struggle is real!
Mind- I want to be less scattered mentally. Anxiety is a battle I am currently off my medicine. I am exploring other homeopathic options. (Personal preference)
Heart- In the last year my heart has been through more than anyone should have in a lifetime let alone within a year. My heart was pounded and pounded with blow after blow from all directions…
But God
I owe it all to God, the fact that I am put back together amazes me!!!
Some things get left out in the picture of me.
I mourn the things of me I can’t have back similar to losing your innocence.
But things I am grateful for like the fact I did not or at least not yet pick up worrying over trivial things. 🙌🏻

What are your broken pieces?
Know that if your world broke apart you will put some things back together Tetris-style and somethings you will need to let lay to the side.
It hurts.
But God
I owe it all the fact that I am put back together amazes me!!!
Some things get left out in the picture of me.
I mourn the things of me I can’t have back like losing your innocence.
But things I am grateful for like the fact I did not or at least not yet pick up worrying over trivial things.
What are your broken pieces?
Know that if your world broke a part you will put some things back together Tetris-style and somethings you will need to let lay to the side.
It hurts.
Have courage because it’s also beautiful!
Matthew 10:39
39 Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.
Matthew 16:24
24Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone wants to follow me, he must deny himself, pick up his cross, and follow me continuously. 25Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it, 26because what profit will a person have if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life? Or what can a person give in exchange for his life?

I am so so grateful! These scriptures are everything #truth life-giving truth!
I have lost my life, and through it I have gained life! ❤️

My why is to share hope, speak life into desperate situations and anyone with an ear to hear! I’ve got some crazy stories!
Things I can’t make up, like WILD y’all!
If you connect with any or all of these ramblings on the page connect with me, I love good stories of people!

XOXO

 

Faith

My testimony may shock you…

 



At a very young age I was drawn to all things spiritual. I always was drawn to adult conversations and I asked an exhausting amount of questions. My parents are neither religious, my mom (hi mom!) I think has her own personal ideas of God but it is very private. My father would be closely described as agnostic. He may believe in a higher being or creator but there again is not a relationship, connection, or a sense of worship for the creator. My sister like my mom very private. And then there is me…

I remember going to church with my Nana on holidays and weekends when we visited. I grew to love her century-old United Methodist Church of Paris, TX. (*side note I was baptized there after Easter service when I was 16 and later married my man there in 2001) She passed away from cancer when I was nine, so God sent other women mentors to pour into me spiritually.

I am eternally grateful for my Great Aunt Christine, who took up the torch and loved me not as a great niece but like a granddaughter. We had many conversations about Jesus and faith. One of my greatest memories is to hear her sing hymns like “How Great Thou Art,” “It is Well”, and “He is Risen!” I can’t tell you what I would give to hear her Sunday school class sing again!

Miss Millie, a neighbor she loved the Lord and often invited my younger sister and I to church. As a young person I did not know what “Spirit-filled” meant but as I look back so many things make sense. I can see the hands raised in the air, people gathered laying hands and praying for one another, it’s a beautiful fragmented memory.

My faith was greatly influenced by a bus ministry. A white bus driven by an older woman with a servant’s heart. She is nameless but believe it or not I can still see heer curly hair and smile! We sang songs like This Little Light of Mine, Jesus Loves Me, and I am a C, I am a C-H….back and forth from apartment parking lot to mysterious white church. It was in that church that at ten I asked Jesus in my heart. I did not completely know what that meant but I sure felt it, felt Him!

Moving into my teen years I dabbled and explored. I visited a Mosque and vividly remember a gathering after with food and dance, I bought a Buddha statue with my own money because I thought the round belly was cute and visited Mass at an Episcopal church that was extremely moving. However, despite my freedom to explore and my supportive parents I was drawn back to a relationship with Jesus, The Messiah, my Savior…Creator of all things, I rested in his Word and found home.

It is a beautiful journey, my Jesus is mine and not passed down tradition. I have felt his presence in my life, I have watched miracles unfold, and see in plain sight answers to my most intimate prayers.

I wish I could say the journey was easy and things laid out in pretty paths through gardens but nope I made many many mistakes, and learned very hard lessons that fortified my love for the Lord.

God is good and faithful. I promise!

If ever you need me to, reach out and I offer my prayers to stand with you, pray over you, and especially share my Jesus, our Jesus!

Do you have a Life Verse? Here is one of mine.

Roman 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Here is a quiz for fun:

https://www.crosswalk.com/home-page/todays-features/quiz-what-is-your-life-verse.html